Transforming Internal Formations pt. 10

I want to say a few final words about what looks to us like the end of Jim’s internal formation. First of all, some bookkeeping: the transformation does not mean that the next time he looks at a pair of shoes his heart overflows with joy. It’s very likely that with a formation like this there will be a long-lasting physiological footprint. The old tensions and physiological responses will arise naturally, but they will not get traction. Whether these old pattens will completely dissipate depends on the other conditions of Jim Bootman’s store consciousness. It’s like a storm that has lost its ability to draw in new air. The rain that is falling still falls and the wind that is blowing still blows. Depending on conditions, it may blow itself out completely or it may be swept up into another storm system.

So what happens when Jim walks into his workshop and sees a pair of Italian leather wingtip shoes on his workbench? Do they cause him anxiety? This is a trick question! From within the frame of the question, I guess we can say that no, they don’t. They can never give rise to the same felt sense of this being a problem. But really, why are we asking this question? Only because we are stuck in the past, trying to make sense of our old idea of our friend Jim. People, this is not the same Jim Bootman! The question has lost relevance. If he is building up a personal narrative around the practice, it may still have some spark. He may tell us, “I transformed my fear of shoes!” But if he isn’t too swept up in a spiritual identity, he’ll say something very dull like, “Oh that? It doesn’t bother me the way it used to.”

The Death Throes

Both of the instances of transformation we looked at in detail involved the arising of memories associated with strong vedana. I think it’s worth dwelling on this for a moment and repeating for the millionth time that this is not catharsis in any traditional psychological sense. For us to label this as catharsis or healing or traumatic resurgence or whatever we want to label it is to allow Jim Bootman’s dying storm to be sucked up into our own super-cell of psychologization. In the moment of transformation, interpretation of these images is disastrous. For Jim, the process worked precisely because he took the images just seriously enough. This becomes more obvious the more esoteric the images are that arise.

How would you like to have an out of body experience? Or to uncover the secrets of your past lives? How would you like to go to heaven and meet an angel, or God? My dear, depending on the seeds in your store consciousness, you may well be able to enjoy any one of these marvelous experiences. And when you do meet God, or the devil, or whatever you may encounter, please remember to maintain a quiet curiosity, “Why this God?”

For a formation to fall apart, you have to kind of lose the ability to interpret it. For lack of a better word, I will say that the formation becomes very abstract. This is when you may experience the “death throes” of the formation. It repeatedly fails to reconstitute itself. If you don’t follow them, these thoughts, feelings, images, memories, views, whatever they may be, can move along a gradient from feeling familiar and banal to feeling profound and true. For Jim, it was a childhood memory. For an astonishing percentage of the population, it’s a past life recollection of reigning over ancient Egypt as Queen Cleopatra. As a part of my solemn mission to suck all of the fun out of life, I would like to advise a profound skepticism about the two intuitions of profundity and truth. If you’re of the temperament to take an interest in such things, here are two contemplations to bear in mind:

1. Are profundity and truth a part of the experience of the mind? Yes, they are. Can you find anything to support them that isn’t a part of the experience of the mind? No, you can’t. So much for grasping at them as ultimate.

2. Are profundity and truth a part of the experience of the mind? Yes, they are. Does rejecting them cause that to stop being the case? No, it doesn’t. So much for struggling to eliminate them.

Epilogue

Now, at the moment of parting ways with our beloved friend Jim Bootman, let us idly speculate about what may lie in store for him. How shall we situate the transformation we’ve observed in the grander spiritual narrative of Buddhism? Was the conquest of his anxiety a great stride taken toward Complete Liberation? I think it was. But I also think it may be the last great stride that Jim takes in that direction. And if it is, I don’t see any problem with that.

Jim’s formation revealed itself to be a large part of his whole motivational structure. It constituted his sense of urgency. His journey into the practice itself was framed in relation to it, was at least partially powered by it. With its dissolution, Jim has significantly chilled out. He isn’t really that concerned with whether or not there is a separate self, or whether things are permanent or not. If he tells me that he finds a profound satisfaction in his family life and his work as a cobbler, who am I to tell him that actually, all dharmas bear the mark of unsatisfactoriness?